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Years ago, I was working full time and had three young children at home. I would make myself crazy when we were going to have company over for the weekend by trying to do too much. Not only did I try to figure out all of the meals, complete the grocery shopping, clean the house, and finish all the laundry before guests arrived, I often tried to tack on an improvement to the house since our guests’ last visit. All this, while pretending I could control what my often highly judgmental and critical visitors would think of me. I was acting out of disconnect and insanity.
I was trying to communicate to others and myself that I was someone I wasn’t, and that I could do the impossible flawlessly in pearls and heels <wink>. I disregarded my needs, and in doing so punished those around me because it’s not fun for anybody when Momma crashes and burns.
My self-communication was pure bullshit. There was no communion (read unity) with myself, my family, or my guests. I could not communicate clearly with others when I was not being honest or clear with myself. At the time, I had no idea how disconnected I was, or that being connected by being realistic was an option.
Communion means coming together, and we can only truly come together when we come from a place of intimate connection within ourselves. I found that was I unable to communicate clearly with others because I put my own filters and expectations on their messages. I also found I was unable to communicate what I wanted or needed when I was busy denying that I had wants and needs! Denial didn’t make my wants and needs go away, it only left me feeling resentful and disconnected from myself and others.
Often communication begins with confusion, internal or external, and requires repeated attempts until a shared understanding is achieved. This holds true whether we are trying to communicate with ourselves or with others.
For me the way to understanding was to see Truth and tell the Truth faster. The Truth is, I do have wants and needs, and while it is no one else’s responsibility to making sure they are met, I can honestly ask myself and others for what I want. Freedom is found through clear, clean, and honest communication.
Know that you are love, and you are lovable beyond any decision you have ever made, or experience you have had. Remove the false beliefs of: ”I am not enough”, “My life would be better if”, or “I should have”. Without those stories you are free to communicate and create in Love.
